Many families happily reunite during the holiday season. Family members who live apart or who may not have been able to connect during the year often look forward to giving and receiving gifts, rekindling family ties and sharing in the joys of the season. But for some of us the idea of going home is not a very pleasant thought.
Many people search for that special intimacy in their relationship. Some of us search our entire lives for a feeling of oneness with another person. It’s hard to describe, really, what we search for, but we know it when we finally achieve it. Maybe we tire of that dark feeling of being alone as we struggle through life. If only there were someone else here, we say to ourselves, who could understand and share these burdens. Then it wouldn’t be so lonely. It wouldn’t be so hard.
It is difficult to achieve intimacy in a relationship unless we have the ability to trust. We tend to focus on other people when we think about trust – that is, we might ask, who out there can be trusted and who cannot? But it may be more helpful to look inside ourselves and to think about trust as something that we either do well, or not.
The single most destructive threat to a committed relationship is when one of the partners engages in an intimate relationship with another person. This is not an uncommon event. Conservative estimates suggest that about a quarter of women, and a third of men, have violated their marital commitment to their partners. About 65 percent of marriages struck by infidelity end in divorce.
When we blame our partners for our discomfort, this tends to create distance within an emotionally committed relationship. This distance, then, creates a feeling of further discomfort. The clue to dealing with this dilemma is to learn how to soothe your own emotional pain. This can open the way to more passion and closeness in your relationship.
If you have intense feelings during any of these steps, this may be an indicator that you may need to work some more on your losses before you are ready to forgive. The help of a supportive person – a professional therapist or a trusted friend – may be needed as you progress through this experience.
Please call me at 949-760-7171 or text 949-244-8572 or email me at jimswaniger@gmail.com with any questions of to schedule an appointment.
All of us have been hurt, in one way or another, by someone else. While it is easy to forgive a friend for note returning our phone call, it is not so easy to forgive those who have harmed us in a major way. The greatest hurts seem to come from those who play the most significant roles in our lives.
The enormity of the hurt may lead us to conclude that we can never forgive the other person. However, to forgive or not forgive is one of our most important life choices. It is vital for our own emotional well-being to understand that it is a choice that has consequences.
A first pregnancy is a significant psychological and emotional milestone in the lives of the new parents and often in their families’ lives. But a new arrival can have a “good news – bad news” effect. For instance, the news of a pregnancy can afford family members an opportunity to reconnect and strengthen family bonds if they live far apart. Or, if family relationships are strained, perhaps differences can be temporarily put aside. Plus members of one or both families have a chance to join in a sense of purpose or if they need to have a reason for being together, now they do.
Most people seek a life filled with meaning, contentment, gratification, and pleasure. We strive to reach society’s milestones of success – a college graduation; marriage; family; job promotion; buying a home – but these achievements don’t always bring us the happiness we expected. And although we’re successful by world standards – able to drive nice cars, live in large, clean houses, and have access to entertainment – many of us still experience higher levels of stress.
Pushing ourselves to achieve ‘bigger and better’, we reach another goal only to find that it too doesn’t bring us the happiness we hoped for. We discover that money doesn’t buy us the happiness we thought it could. Sometimes this cycle leaves us feeling just the opposite – depressed or anxious or angry. However, recent research has focused on how a person can work toward a happier life.
Is it fair that you have to work on your relationship alone? Many couple counselors would probably say no, it isn’t, but they would probably encourage you to consider the alternatives. For example, you can choose to stay stuck in a relationship stalemate, but then each of you lose the potential benefits that can come from the work that you do – for example, a healthier and more supportive commitment in your relationship. Or you can let the relationship end.
But working alone may not be a realistic option if the situation is unbearable or abusive or if you’re completely mismatched. However, if there is a chance that your relationship can work, it might be well worth it for you to keep trying until you have tried using all of your ideas. Otherwise, you may regret ending your relationship too soon, and this would be unfair to you.
