When we’re happy, supportive relationships seem to be everywhere. But when we’re hurting why does someone who we expect to be supportive avoid us instead?
When we’re happy, supportive relationships seem to be everywhere. But when we’re hurting why does someone who we expect to be supportive avoid us instead?
Most couples who end their long term relations are forced to come to terms with a number of fears. “What will people say? Who can I trust to talk to? How can I handle my partner’s anger toward me? How can I deal with my own anger? Am I a complete failure? How can I be a single parent? Will I be able to keep my children? What about money? Can I handle my loneliness? Am I completely unlovable? Will I ever love anyone else again? Do I have the energy for this much change?”
When we hold on to our fears and refuse to do anything about them we increase the likelihood that these will be the very areas where we experience trouble.
Have you ever wondered…?
Has your partner complained about any of the following…?
I get it. You’re a guy and you fix problems. So when there’s a problem in your relationship or when you’re fed-up with feeling the way you do, you want to fix what’s wrong. But you don’t want to get dragged into why there’s a problem because that means dealing with emotions. You might think that only women need to fix problems this way. And you’d be wrong.
Anger is one of the basic emotions all of us feel to one degree or another. Indeed, someone who is incapable of experiencing anger would certainly be at a disadvantage in trying to survive. Used constructively, anger helps us to protect ourselves. It motivates us to solve problems and to resolve conflicts with other people. Anger is an emotion that tells us there is something wrong and motivates us to make our situation better.
A new relationship has many emotional and psychological aspects that in some ways can be compared to the birth of a new baby. For example, before a baby is born it is usually safe inside the mother’s womb and it depends only on the immediate environment for everything it needs. In a similar way, just before you meet each other, you and your new partner will probably be safe and secure, relying mostly on yourselves and your immediate environments to supply your needs.
If you have relapsed back into an old self-defeating behavior, there are two things you need to remember. First, whatever you accomplished in terms of lifestyle changes before you relapsed are still an important part of your future success. Second, your relapse is also a part of your success. You do not have to start all over again. You have already made gains which are still valuable but you do need to make changes in order to continue succeeding.
When you want to improve your life, part of your psychology can work against you. In other words, you can have a resistance to change. This is normal. Resistance can originate in childhood and grow stronger over a lifetime. Most of us have several ways of resisting change.
Generally, resistance and self-improvement go together. Often showing up during self-improvement work as unexpected thoughts or feelings, resistance doesn’t mean you won’t or can’t change, but it can slow you down or stop you. Here is one form that resistance to self-improvement commonly takes: