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	<title>Better Relationships &#187; dating</title>
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	<link>https://www.better-relationships.com</link>
	<description>Marriage &#38; Couples Counseling, Psychotherapy, Premarital Counseling</description>
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		<title>No Secrets &#8230; Telling the Truth in Our Relationships</title>
		<link>https://www.better-relationships.com/no-secrets-telling-the-truth-in-our-relationships/</link>
		<comments>https://www.better-relationships.com/no-secrets-telling-the-truth-in-our-relationships/#comments</comments>
		<pubDate>Wed, 24 Apr 2019 22:40:26 +0000</pubDate>
		<dc:creator><![CDATA[Jim Swaniger]]></dc:creator>
				<category><![CDATA[ARGUMENTS]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[COMMITMENT]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[COMMUNICATION]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[COUPLES THERAPY]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[FORGIVENESS]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[MARRIAGE]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[MEN'S ISSUES]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[RELATIONSHIPS]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[SEX]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[WOMEN'S ISSUES]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[communication]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[dating]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[falling in love]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[finding happiness]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[forgiveness]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[marriage]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[relationships]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[trust in relationships]]></category>

		<guid isPermaLink="false">https://www.better-relationships.com/?p=4299</guid>
		<description><![CDATA[&#160; When we commit ourselves to a relationship with another person, we rightly expect to experience a sense of fulfillment that we didn’t have before. Humans, as social beings, seem to have a universal desire to find a partner. Sexual attraction often serves as the motivator for making initial contact with the other person, and this is usually replaced over time with a deeper sense of commitment and intimacy. It comes as a terrible disappointment to some people when the sexual phase of their relationship fails to lead in time to something deeper. The task, then, is to understand the forces which block the development of a deeper sense of intimacy – and to do something about it. Fortunately, with some work – and it’s often hard work – couples can learn to move into the stage of deeper sharing and more fulfillment in their relationships. From Excitement to Reality The excitement which comes with entering a new relationship touches us at the core of our being. It influences our thinking, our emotions, and our physical bodies. In some sense it feels like a dream come true. We feel that, finally, the hard years of experiencing the world alone have come to an end. The thing that we have longed for has been achieved. We now have a partner, someone who can share, understand, and appreciate our most private experiences. The world suddenly seems like a happier and more secure place. The beginning stages of a relationship can bring a precious sense of connection – but when that phone call doesn’t come, when a plan goes awry, when the wrong words are spoken, the emotional high can turn swiftly into a feeling of devastation. Being in love can have its down side. Over time the physical stage of the relationship is typically replaced by a period of getting to know more about other aspects of our partner’s personality. Some of these characteristics are endearing to us – and others irritate us. We learn how our partner attends to the demands of everyday life, and we learn that he or she [&#8230;]]]></description>
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		</item>
		<item>
		<title>Toxic Communication Patterns</title>
		<link>https://www.better-relationships.com/toxic-communication-patterns/</link>
		<comments>https://www.better-relationships.com/toxic-communication-patterns/#comments</comments>
		<pubDate>Tue, 07 Feb 2017 02:40:11 +0000</pubDate>
		<dc:creator><![CDATA[Jim Swaniger]]></dc:creator>
				<category><![CDATA[ARGUMENTS]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[COMMUNICATION]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[CONFLICT]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[COUNSELING]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[COUPLES THERAPY]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[MARRIAGE]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[MARRIAGE COUNSELING]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[RELATIONSHIP THERAPY]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[RELATIONSHIPS]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[THERAPY]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[counseling]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[dating]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[dirty fighting in relationships]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[marriage]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[supportive communication]]></category>

		<guid isPermaLink="false">http://www.better-relationships.com/?p=3793</guid>
		<description><![CDATA[Dirty fighting can weaken and ultimately break a relationship in the same way that rust weakens a piece of metal. Dirty fighting breaks the bonds of intimacy and causes cracks in the foundation of the relationship. These cracks spread and just like rusty metal eventually breaks apart, at some point the relationship collapses. Both of you ultimately suffer. Here are some toxic communication patterns to avoid: Timing You try to catch your partner off guard. You look for a time when your partner is least able to respond or least expects an argument, for example you call them at work and start an argument. Escalation You quickly move from the main argument to questioning your partner’s personality and then move on to wondering if the relationship is worth it. Overwhelm Instead of sticking with the original issues you bring up as many issues as possible in great detail. You try to overwhelm the other person so that they can’t argue effectively. Exaggerate You draw the worst possible conclusions regarding the relationship. The issue gets blown out of proportion and you talk about catastrophes. Question You treat your partner like a child, making them feel like they are incapable of an adult relationship. “Why can’t you just love me like he loves her?” Complain When your partner complains, you respond with a complaint of your own instead of addressing the issues. “So what if I forgot to make the bed. What about all the times you haven’t helped me clean?” Over-Generalize Instead of focusing on the issue at hand, you use words like “never” and “always” and try to force your partner to defend themselves. “You never do anything in the relationship.” Blame You take the position of &#8216;victim&#8217;. You don’t admit to your part in the conflict and refuse to change. “It’s always your fault. If our relationship is going to improve you have to change – not me.” Mind Reading You become the expert on what your partner is thinking or feeling. “You’re not really angry.” This way you avoid talking about your partner’s anger or taking responsibility for [&#8230;]]]></description>
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		</item>
		<item>
		<title>How Does It Feel To Fall In Love?</title>
		<link>https://www.better-relationships.com/how-does-it-feel-to-fall-in-love/</link>
		<comments>https://www.better-relationships.com/how-does-it-feel-to-fall-in-love/#comments</comments>
		<pubDate>Wed, 18 Jan 2017 19:09:23 +0000</pubDate>
		<dc:creator><![CDATA[Jim Swaniger]]></dc:creator>
				<category><![CDATA[MEN'S ISSUES]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[RELATIONSHIPS]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[WOMEN'S ISSUES]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[dating]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[falling in love]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[love]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[love at first sight]]></category>

		<guid isPermaLink="false">http://www.better-relationships.com/?p=3746</guid>
		<description><![CDATA[Numerous researchers have examined the phenomenon of being in love. This refers to the stage of feeling whole and complete once we have found someone who matches the image we carry around with us of the person we have been searching for – that is, someone who has the positive and negative qualities of an imperfect parent from our childhood. The experience of being in love happens when two people first meet, when the holes in our lives are filled with each other’s positive qualities. This is followed eventually by a power struggle when the partner’s negative qualities begin to emerge. One theory says that “romantic love is supposed to end.” Once the power struggle is resolved, a more mature, committed love can begin. The first quality of being in love is recognition. This is the strange feeling of familiarity with someone we have just met. “I feel as if I’ve known you my whole life.” The qualities of the person we are attracted tap into our needs from childhood – and, in a sense, we have held this image in our minds since childhood. When we find a person with these qualities, we do feel as if we have known this person forever. Next is timelessness. “Even though we just met, I can’t remember when I didn’t know you.” Lovers can spend hours with each other, embracing and drawing on the feeling of being alive with that person, so that time seems to vanish. The cocoon of love becomes everything. Third is reunification. Lovers find the parts of themselves that are missing through the other person. “I no longer feel alone. When I’m with you I feel complete and connected to things. I feel at one with the world.” In truth, they have found through each other what was missing in themselves. Last is a feeling of necessity. We come to feel that we need the other person. “I can’t imagine what it would be like without you. I don’t think I could live without you.” You feel safe with your partner, and, for perhaps the first time, you [&#8230;]]]></description>
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		</item>
		<item>
		<title>How to Find the Right Partner</title>
		<link>https://www.better-relationships.com/how-to-find-the-right-partner/</link>
		<comments>https://www.better-relationships.com/how-to-find-the-right-partner/#comments</comments>
		<pubDate>Mon, 09 Jan 2017 23:42:35 +0000</pubDate>
		<dc:creator><![CDATA[Jim Swaniger]]></dc:creator>
				<category><![CDATA[MEN'S ISSUES]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[RELATIONSHIP THERAPY]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[RELATIONSHIPS]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[SEX]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[WOMEN'S ISSUES]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[dating]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[love]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[marraige]]></category>

		<guid isPermaLink="false">http://www.better-relationships.com/?p=3678</guid>
		<description><![CDATA[Although some people prefer to remain single throughout their lives, most people strive to connect with and live in partnership with one special person. There are many obvious advantages to finding a relationship partner – physical, economic, social – but there is another significant advantage in that working through the ups and downs of a relationship allows us to come to terms with many of our own personal issues. In fact, these personal issues may make or break a relationship, depending on whether we choose to work on them. If you are single now, you can use this time to learn more about yourself and what makes relationships work. There is evidence that the families we come from (our families of origin) have a profound influence on how we will behave in the relationships we create for ourselves in adulthood. How many times have you heard the phrase, “You are acting just like your father (mother).” Or, “I can’t believe that I am saying the same things my mother (father) said.” Sometimes we find ourselves acting toward a current relationship partner in the same way we acted toward a previous partner, as if there were a repetitive pattern in play. And if we look closely enough, we might discover that we have the same pattern of difficulty in every one of our relationships, as if we keep making the same mistakes over and over again. According to one school of thought, we all had imperfect parents or caregivers as we grew up, and the experiences we had as children left a lasting impression on us. We all went through stages of development in childhood. Sometimes our parents were there for us as we progressed through a developmental stage – and sometimes they were not (and this could be due to many reasons, like a parent having his or her own personal difficulties at the time, or the birth of another child). If we have difficulty at one particular stage of development, then we have a gap in our personalities that could follow us into adulthood unless we recognize and attend [&#8230;]]]></description>
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		</item>
		<item>
		<title>Finding Intimacy</title>
		<link>https://www.better-relationships.com/finding-intimacy/</link>
		<comments>https://www.better-relationships.com/finding-intimacy/#comments</comments>
		<pubDate>Sat, 03 Dec 2016 23:28:02 +0000</pubDate>
		<dc:creator><![CDATA[Jim Swaniger]]></dc:creator>
				<category><![CDATA[COMMITMENT]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[FORGIVENESS]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[INFIDELITY]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[MARRIAGE]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[MEN'S ISSUES]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[RELATIONSHIPS]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[SEX]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[WOMEN'S ISSUES]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[counseling]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[dating]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[love]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[marriage]]></category>

		<guid isPermaLink="false">http://www.better-relationships.com/?p=3643</guid>
		<description><![CDATA[Many people search for that special intimacy in their relationship. Some of us search our entire lives for a feeling of oneness with another person. It’s hard to describe, really, what we search for, but we know it when we finally achieve it. Maybe we tire of that dark feeling of being alone as we struggle through life. If only there were someone else here, we say to ourselves, who could understand and share these burdens. Then it wouldn’t be so lonely. It wouldn’t be so hard. Or perhaps, in our more positive moments, we want to share not just the burdens but our pleasures too, our strength and beauty. We want the powerful impact of our internal experience to have an impression on someone else, as if to say that we count, we are whole, and we want to impart this feeling to another person. Humans are social beings. Is that why we search for intimacy with others? Is the quest for intimacy the reason we commit ourselves to another person in marriage or some other public declaration of loyalty? In trying to find intimacy, are we simply searching again for the ultimate feeling of bonding that we felt toward a parent during our infancy? The search for intimacy may be one reason we form social groups, and it may explain why we quest for spiritual fulfillment in our lives. Many people in contemporary society feel lonely. For all the benefits we derive from living in a highly technological world, with seemingly instant and complete communication with others, we still may find it difficult to discover ways to form intimate relationships. In fact, our high tech society seems to fragment our social connections, to drive us away from other people. For example, texting seems to make connecting with other people much easier, but in truth our messages are usually just flashes of ideas – briefly written, briefly read, and instantaneously deleted – and they barely fulfill our desire for more complete relationships. Our high tech world has brought us an abundance of stress. We’re conditioned to expect immediate responses [&#8230;]]]></description>
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		</item>
		<item>
		<title>How to Self-Soothe During a Fight</title>
		<link>https://www.better-relationships.com/how-to-self-soothe-during-a-fight/</link>
		<comments>https://www.better-relationships.com/how-to-self-soothe-during-a-fight/#comments</comments>
		<pubDate>Tue, 29 Nov 2016 01:45:49 +0000</pubDate>
		<dc:creator><![CDATA[Jim Swaniger]]></dc:creator>
				<category><![CDATA[RELATIONSHIPS]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[conlict]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[dating]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[emotional control]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[marraige]]></category>

		<guid isPermaLink="false">http://www.better-relationships.com/?p=3607</guid>
		<description><![CDATA[When we blame our partners for our discomfort, this tends to create distance within an emotionally committed relationship. This distance, then, creates a feeling of further discomfort. The clue to dealing with this dilemma is to learn how to soothe your own emotional pain. This can open the way to more passion and closeness in your relationship. In his book “Passionate Marriage” David Schnarch, Ph. D offers several suggestions for helping people learn the art of self-soothing. Don’t take your partner’s behavior personally. Even if your partner doesn’t make all the changes that you’ve made, it should not be taken personally. If you and your partner are having a conflict, try some inwardly focused relaxation techniques. Focus on your breathing. Stop talking and try to slow your heart rate. Lower the volume of your speech and work on relaxing your body. Put the current conflict into perspective. Think about past instances of the same type of conflict. What resources did you use in the past for dealing with the conflict? Think about how discomfort will surface again in the future – and if you learn now how to deal with it, you will be better off in these future instances. Control your behavior, even if you can’t regulate your emotions. While we may have difficulty in controlling our emotions, especially in the face of a conflict, we can have control over our behavior. Prevent yourself from saying and doing things that you will regret later. For example, tell yourself: “I don’t have to take action on my feelings.” Stop the negative thinking. Our thoughts can drive our feelings and behavior during conflict. When you find yourself engaged in negative thinking, make the change to more positive thoughts. Accept what is happening and then calm down. You may have to break contact temporarily with your partner until things cool down. When you are engaged in a conflict, you may need some time to get in touch with yourself again. Look on this as a time-out, not a separation. Tell your partner that you need some time alone to calm down and [&#8230;]]]></description>
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		</item>
		<item>
		<title>Starting a New Relationship</title>
		<link>https://www.better-relationships.com/starting-a-relationship/</link>
		<comments>https://www.better-relationships.com/starting-a-relationship/#comments</comments>
		<pubDate>Tue, 27 Sep 2016 22:58:14 +0000</pubDate>
		<dc:creator><![CDATA[Jim Swaniger]]></dc:creator>
				<category><![CDATA[MEN'S ISSUES]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[RELATIONSHIPS]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[WOMEN'S ISSUES]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[dating]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[falling in love]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[love at first sight]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[new relationships]]></category>

		<guid isPermaLink="false">http://www.better-relationships.com/?p=3108</guid>
		<description><![CDATA[A new relationship has many emotional and psychological aspects that in some ways can be compared to the birth of a new baby. For example, before a baby is born it is usually safe inside the mother’s womb and it depends only on the immediate environment for everything it needs.  In a similar way, just before you meet each other, you and your new partner will probably be safe and secure, relying mostly on yourselves and your immediate environments to supply your needs. After meeting each other and feeling connected, your relationship will begin to take on a life of its own. In time, when your connection develops into a loving bond, your relationship will be “born” and when this happens, like a baby leaving the womb, life will begin to change for both of you. Like the baby relying on its caretakers for everything, in your newborn relationship, you will both start relying on each other for your primary emotional needs – care, nurturing and love &#8211; and when you give this to each other you are both feeding the relationship the &#8220;food&#8221; that it needs to survive and grow. New parents tend to be anxious, excited and sometimes they can be a bit jumpy since they don’t have much experience caring for a baby. And if you were a new parent and you heard your baby crying, while you may not know exactly what to do, whatever you did you would do it gently. And you would soon learn what worked and what didn&#8217;t work. For example,  if you were a new parent, when your efforts to soothe the baby actually calmed it down you would realize that not knowing what to do or say is okay because all you need to do, and all you’re responsible for doing, is to care, be gentle, and be attentive to the infant. You certainly wouldn’t respond to the infant’s cries as though your baby knew better, and you wouldn’t complain to your baby or yell at it or drink or otherwise put your baby in harm’s way. Now apply this [&#8230;]]]></description>
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