Procrastination Hurts Relationships

Procrastination Hurts Relationships

Almost everyone has been affected by procrastination at one time or another –  when we or someone we rely on is compelled to put of to another day or time, to endlessly delay completing tje task at hand. For some people it’s a [persistent problem while for others it happens only in certain areas of their lives. The result is the same for everyone – increased anxiety, wasted time, poor performance, missed opportunities, guilt, making excuses and avoiding people who depend on us.

It can cause suffering in a committed relationship, when one partner delays or avoids keeping promises or agreements, putting the relationship at risk. And relationships outside the home – friendships; at work and in the community – can suffer. Being unreliable can jeopardize one’s personal reputation. There are better ways of dealing with the demands of our everyday lives, once we accept that we are a procrastinator and make a commitment to change.

Are men or women more likely to procrastinate? There is no research evidence that gender and intelligence are related to procrastination tendencies.  Age, however, may have something to do with it. One research study finds that procrastination peaks in the middle to late twenties, decreases for the next forty years, and then increases again in the sixties. Other research finds that people who feel overwhelmed and cannot readily calm down tend to put things off.

There is a relationship between anxiety and procrastination. It is no surprise that people who fear failure have the problem, as well as people with low self-esteem.  People who are easily frustrated or need instant gratification or can’t concentrate all have difficulty completing tasks. Research also shows that those who have conflicts with authority figures and are rebellious are inclined to procrastinate. People with depression, who may have low energy and hold negative thoughts about their ability to get things done, frequently struggle with procrastination.

Procrastinators make excuses.When we procrastinate we are neither accomplishing things that need to be done nor are we confronting the underlying reasons for our procrastination. So what do we tell ourselves to justify our behavior? We may use any of a number of excuses – and here are some common ones:

Getting Bogged Down in Trivia

We spend our time on easy tasks and say that we are so busy that we cannot get to the major project. We might answer phone calls, read e-mails, clean the living room, have lunch – anything that we find simple and are emotionally prepared to do – rather than facing the task that we really have to do. We tell ourselves that we simply had to clear up these trivial tasks before tackling our project and there was no time left. Thus we gain some satisfaction from busying ourselves and alleviating our guilt, but the major task is never finished.

Putting the Blame Elsewhere

It is easy to externalize blame. “If only I had gotten that promotion, then I would be more involved in my job.” “If only my partner would take out the garbage, I would have time to do the things I need to do.” “If I had a faster computer, I would find more enjoyment in sitting down to write the report.” The problem here is that we selectively focus on one excuse and ignore the reality of the total situation. The simple truth is that we have a project to do and we have to take into account everything that helps or impedes us, and then move on from there.

Letting Emotions Interfere With Productivity

Writing a report might bring up feelings of anxiety – after all, we have to think of the right words, organize it logically and look up relevant information. We might feel overwhelmed because of our past experiences with writing reports. Or we might feel angry that chores have to be done, especially when our partner keeps harping on us to get it done (in which case the anger is based in being told what to do, not the chores).

We need to separate our emotions from the task itself. In fact, working at the task gives us a good opportunity to see what our emotions are and to confront them honestly. This then allows us see where the feelings came from so that we can achieve more understanding of them. Avoiding painful feelings lets them linger on into the future, but acknowledging them can lead to resolution of our emotional issues.

Setting up Roadblocks

“I’ll diet after the holidays.” “I’ll wait until I’m in the mood to call my old friend.” “I’ll buy new clothes when I lose twenty pounds.” Although there may be some logic to all of these strategies, they illustrate a major cause of procrastination. We set up artificial barriers which may have little do with actually completing the task at hand. When we place limitations on our ability to work, it makes the completion of the task all the more difficult.

Being Perfect…or Nothing at All

Our society places great emphasis on doing the best job every time. When we try to please other people, rather than ourselves, we run the risk of rejection and failure. Perfectionism has its place. After all, it can help motivate us to get started and to do the best job we can. But taken to the extreme, perfectionism can also inhibit our efforts completely. “If I can’t do the best job possible, I’ll do nothing at all – or at least not until I absolutely have to.”

Coming to terms with perfectionist tendencies can be a challenging but healthy process. We can examine why we need to please others rather than ourselves, the degree to which this pattern intrudes on various aspects of our lives, and the extent to which it helps – and hinders us.

Procrastination is a serious problem for many people. The inability to accept that life requires us to do things we don’t particularly enjoy can undermine our sense of well being and prevent us from experiencing the full potential of our lives and our relationships. The person who is emotionally healthy is familiar with and can tolerate the ups and downs, the highs and lows, the light and the dark. Living completely entails embracing our responsibilities, relishing our pleasures, and appreciating our time.

When to Seek Professional Help

Procrastination may be such an ingrained pattern that it seems impossible to change it. When our efforts to change our behavior and/or our thinking aren’t effective, it may help to see procrastination as a symptom of some of an underlying personality issues and seek professional help. For example, negative self-image often plays a role in our tendency to put off accomplishing tasks. Sometimes we postpone our duties because we lack self confidence or feel that we might be rejected or abandoned by others if we don’t turn in a perfect job. For some people, procrastination is a symptom of depression. Our reasons for procrastinating are as varied as people are different.

Therapy is the best way to explore these deeper issues in a supportive, trustworthy, and professional setting. The goal is to define procrastination as a symptom of a deeper issue and then to explore the nature of this underlying problem and discover how to deal with it more effectively. Your life becomes more satisfying when you can find ways to express the most effective parts of yourself.

Yes, an old habit like procrastination can be changed. You have to use the techniques that work for you and remember that these techniques are not a simple all-or-nothing “cure.” Look on behavior change as a process composed of many steps. You may have success in dealing with some components of the problem only to find later that you are resistant to making more changes. Then, in therapy, you look into your resistance to see why moving on is difficult at a particular stage. When an old habit is too hard to break, clinical hypnosis can be an effective means of reducing or eliminating an unwanted behavior.

And don’t forget that most people relapse. Research has found that only about 20 percent of all people make complete changes on their first try. Most people have setbacks during the change process. Expect this to happen and look on it as something positive – after all, you can learn from your setbacks. To relapse does not mean that you have to start all over again. You can change uncomfortable patterns of behavior, and procrastination, fortunately, is one of those habits most amenable to change. But don’t put it off – just do it – and here are (14) tips on how to stop:

(14) Tips for Overcoming Procrastination

  1. Examine unrealistic expectations. Examples include self- talk that begin with “I should” or “I ought to” or “I must” or “I have to”. When we feel obligated to someone else, we may feel inhibited. Change these statements to “wants,” and then you assume responsibility yourself for doing a task. Rather than saying, “I should call my son’s teacher,” change it to “I want to call my son’s teacher”.
  2. Look at your excuses rationally. In fact, make up a list of the excuses you use which prevent you from getting a job done. Then examine each excuse and beside it write out a more realistic thought. For example, “I’m not in the mood” can be reinterpreted as “Mood doesn’t get the job done.”
  3. Use self-motivating statements. How we define a task can alter our motivation for completing it. Many people repeat phrases to themselves, or even post notes in visible places, which serve to spur them on. Try out phrases like, “The sooner I’m done, the sooner I’m free,” or “There’s no time like the present.”
  4. Make up a To Do List. Write out a list of things you need to do this week (or day – or month) and then cross them off, one by one, when they are done. With this list you can see exactly what needs to be accomplished, and you can get a feeling of fulfillment as the list gets whittled down.
  5. Set priorities. On your ‘To Do’ list, rank the jobs that need to be done in order of their importance. Then focus on only one job at a time.
  6. Break the task down into smaller pieces. This is one of the most important ways to combat procrastination. Write down all the steps involved in your project and see each step as a manageable job that can get done with little effort. Even if we dislike some duties, we can handle them if they last only for a short time.
  7. Look at time. We sometimes have a poor conception of how much time it takes to complete a task. Rather than panicking at the thought that you only have a week to get that profit and loss statement together, break the parts of the task down into real time. You may find that this is only a two-hour job.
  8. Take a stand. Write yourself a contract to complete a job and sign it. Or tell a supportive friend that you plan to finish a job by a certain date. Make your project a public endeavor rather than keeping it to yourself. Gaining the support of others helps when you feel stymied.
  9. Organize. Make sure you have a clean work area and all of your materials in front of you. Eliminate distractions like the TV blaring in the background if you need to concentrate. Warn others that you will be unavailable (or unbearable) during a certain time.
  10. Manage your stress. There are a number of techniques one can use to deal with anxiety – mindfulness meditation, deep breathing, progressive relaxation, visualization, physical exercise, relaxation tapes, self-hypnosis, humor, and music. These techniques can be learned in therapy.
  11. Just get started. You don’t have to wait until you feel inspired to write that speech. Just write whatever comes to mind, and you can revise it later. Even the longest journey begins with one small step.
  12. Reward yourself when you accomplish a small goal. Rather than procrastinating a whole afternoon by calling friends, call a friend only when you have written a page of the report as a way of rewarding yourself.
  13. Look at all you have accomplished. Rather than punishing yourself for not having done enough, take the more positive approach of examining all that you have done. Is the glass half empty or half full?
  14. Celebrate the completion of your task. Have a specific reward in mind for when your project is finished. Go out for dinner. Go to a movie. Take a weekend trip. Have a party. The celebration should be equal to your task.

Please call me at 949-760-7171 or text 949-244-8572 or email me at jimswaniger@gmail.com with any questions or to schedule an appointment

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